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I had been a witness to domestic violence and verbal abuse long before I became its victim. It seemed almost normal when it started happening to me. In fact, the first time I called someone for help I was asked, “What did you do to make him mad”. She didn’t know any better. This acceptance of abuse for the sake of having a man had been handed down from other women in her family. Her answer to me was to pray and try my best not to upset him.
I didn’t realize how much of an effect that advice had on my life until I started a new relationship. Just last week, I became upset with my sweetheart over something that was major to me but minor to him. Instead of speaking my mind the way I wanted to, I chose to tell him just enough not to make him mad. And afterwards I became so angry at myself.
Why couldn’t I just tell him how I felt completely? I’ve been contemplating seeing a shrink again. If for nothing else, to sort out all these new emotions and feelings being in this relationship has invoked. Perhaps I’ve spent years suppressing things because it felt normal. I don’t know. I refuse to suppress myself any longer. I want to be able to share all of my thoughts with my sweetheart regardless or whether he gets upset or not. Every relationship needs a little bit of healthy disagreement, right?
I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s always important to communicate and be fully transparent with your partner. Every couple has their disagreements. I hope you’re able to conquer the fear of the past and can fully express how you feel ♥
Thank you for these kind words. I’m determined.
A brave post to write. I think talking therapies can help us to unravel all sorts of knots in our thinking. I wish you well as you work your way through the situation.